See Me
by hayhaymellark
Summary: Katniss just wants them to see what she's doing to her. But they don't...so she starts doing things that they won't see. Self-harm, depression, bullying, and eating disorders.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Plot bunnnyyyyyyyyyyy! Sorry y'all, I've been doing my school musical so I haven't been able to write anything recently.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own The Hunger Games, it belongs to Suzanne Collins.**

 **Trigger warning: self-harm, depression, eating disorders, and depression.**

 **Katniss**

I hear the boys shouting from downstairs, some shooting game playing on the TV. I turn back to my textbook, determined to study for my AP Biology midterm. _Meiosis...mitosis...tertiary consumers...endoplas-_

"Oh come one! What the fuck, man?!" My older brother screams. Frustrated and knowing I'll never get my work done, I slam my book shut and scream into my pillow. I get up and grab my phone. Opening the door, the shouts that had previously been muffled hit me full force as the boys started another game.

This, of course is an everyday occurrence. Gale is a senior and I, a junior at Panem High School. His friends are over here practically everyday whether it be to play basketball in the park by our house, to "study", or to play Black Ops or some other stupid game.

I don't mind them, though, not really. They're all decent guys and even if they do make lewd jokes like every other teenaged boy does, they're always nice to me. There was Finnick-the captain of the swim team, Thresh-football captain, Gale-my older brother and basketball captain, and there was Peeta.

Peeta, the captain of the soccer team and the most perfect human being you'll ever meet. I watch from the edge of the staircase as he sweeps a lock of golden hair out of his blue eyes, a dimple forming on his left cheek when he laughs at one of Finn's jokes.

Peeta has been around forever. He and Gale met in the third grade and have been inseparable since. Peeta is the single sweetest, hottest, most talented guy on the planet.

But he's taken. Glimmer Lecreaux is his girlfriend. She's the prettiest, most popular girl in Panem High. She won Prom Queen last year, she's got the biggest tits(which she doesn't hesitate to display with her low cut crop tops), a painted-on smile, and she's the biggest bitch ever. I would know.

Peeta and I used to be really close. I wouldn't hesitate to run and jump into his arms or drop a kiss on his cheek. But, after he started dating Glimmer, he asked me to stop. Later I found out it was Glimmer and that she had told him that she didn't feel comfortable with a 'little girl' all over her boyfriend. So, to appease her, he distanced himself from me. Of course, I had heard this from Finnick.

But that wasn't where it ended. Glimmer hates me with a passion, treating me horribly at school, ignoring me when she's in _my_ house. Purposely pulling Peeta away from me when we're talking. But Gale and Peeta don't notice. They see nothing wrong with her. Finnick and Thresh do, though. They've become good friends of mine recently.

Glimmer has become worse in the past couple of weeks. _Fat, ugly, stupid, slut, you should die…_ My mind replays all of the insults I've had hurled at me these past couple weeks and I feel a lump form in my throat. I have never been self-conscious before, but recently...I've been noticing the extra fat around my stomach and thighs, how plain I look, how everyone already has so many friends, how I was inconsequential to all of them.

Noticing the time, I quickly grab my bag, foregoing the usual snack I eat before my 3-hour practices. _I could stand to lose a few pounds._ At this thought, I pause at the door. _I could stand to lose a lot more than a few pounds._ Instead of leaving the house, I slowly walked to the bathroom. I think about how I wish I was thinner and prettier and...just _better._

It's these thoughts that spur me on as I shut and lock the door. Slowly, I kneel down on the ground in front of the toilet. _Thinner, thinner, thinner, thinner..._ I repeat this mantra in my head even as I force a finger down my throat, my lunch coming up as a result.

As I'm finishing, I hear a knock at the door and I shoot up, but quickly grab ahold of the towel rack, dizzy.

"Katniss?" It's Gale. Shoot, did he hear me? "You're gonna be late for soccer practice!"

"Coming!" I reply. I flush the toilet and rinse my hands in the sink, gargling some water too. I stare at myself in the mirror and frown. I don't know why, but I expected to feel, to look different. I still look the same. Plain. Ugly. _Fat_.

I open the door and rush out the door, my bag slung over my shoulder. I was captain of the girls soccer team and had to be on my A-game.

Practice is brutal. I am tired and my stomach groans in protest at the lack of food I've put in, but I ignore it. _I better get used to it._ We lost the game last week, so Coach Enobaria's first order of business is wind sprints and ladders. It sucks.

About an hour into practice, Coach calls us into the locker room. I forgot, today is picture day. We had all left our uniforms in the locker room after the last game _specifically_ so that no one would forget theirs. We change into our uniforms: black shorts with gold trim, and a black jersey with gold trim and a golden diagonal stripe across the front-our number emblazoned on the back and on the right leg of our shorts.

My hair is pulled back in its usual braid, but I decide to redo it so that it doesn't look so disheveled in the picture. I don't mind our uniforms too much, the only thing being that the shorts are a little well...short.

Our pictures generally look pretty good, our photographers know what to do. Being the team captain, he has me stand in the center, the ball on my hip, with everyone else branching out behind me in a V-shape. Then we take single and buddy pictures. I take a group photo with Annie, Joanna, and Madge. It's pretty cute. We're all laying on our stomachs, our faces resting on our hands, making different faces.

Our photographer, Cinna(who is also our music teacher), looks over all the pictures, nodding in satisfaction. "Alright, now it's time for the boys." Boys? Shit, I forgot they take their pictures the same day. I turn and see the boys' team making their way over from the locker rooms, Peeta in front. I lock eyes with him, but quickly turn away, afraid that he'll somehow know what I did in the bathroom earlier.

As the boys take their pictures, I watch Peeta closely. God he looks so hot, I can feel my panties getting wet at the sight of him posing. He looks so domineering, confident, _sexy._ I can feel myself go weak in the knees.

After the boys finish, I stand expecting that we girls will get to go back to practice. But, apparently, I forgot _another_ thing. The captains picture. This is my first year as captain of the girls team, but I do remember the captains always take a picture together...and it gets displayed in the sports hall. You see, our school is incredibly proud of its sports teams. Panem is notorious for its prowess in athletics. As a result, there is an entire hall dedicated to the sports of PHS. All of our trophies are displayed there along with pictures of MVPs, team photos, and captain pictures.

I walk over to the goal where Peeta stands and Cinna is setting up his equipment. "Alright, you two," Cinna says when he finishes setting up, "these photos are going to be fierce and, for lack of a better word, badass as hell." We both chuckle at that. Cinna never is one to filter himself, even in front of students. First he has us pose back to back, arms crossed over our chest, glaring at the camera. He takes some of us posing on the goal, but then makes a request of us.

"So, I am thinking of sending some photos into a competition to try and raise some more money for the arts program here at school. I have all of the required categories covered _except_ action. I was wondering if you two could just go one-on-one for a while and I could try and get some good shots." Cinna tells us.

I look at Peeta and he, at me. He gives me a half smile and shrugs. "Sure, it's been a while since we've faced off, huh? Kit-Kat, whaddya say?" He teases me and I have to fight off my blush. It's true. Peeta and I used to play one-on-one all the time before Glimmer came along. It was so much fun. We'd joke around and maybe push a little, but it was just the way we were.

Peeta is right, it had been a while. A small frown forms on my face for a split second. But that's his fault..or hers...or both of theirs. I let out a small sigh and nod to Cinna. "Sure, let's get it over with." I know Peeta notices my change in demeanor, but I am in no mood to talk about it. Especially with him.

I kick off the ball and we are soon a flurry of fancy tricks, jukes, and elbows. Every kick I land on the ball feels like one to my stomach. Every blow accompanied by an insult. _Fat._ Kick. _Slut._ Kick. _Ugly._ Kick. Over and over again until I don't even realize it, but a tear drips down my face. Then another and another. Finally, Peeta notices.

"Katniss? Hey, what's going on?" He grabs my shoulder, but I wrench away from him and set off towards the parking lot, grabbing my bag on the way. Practice is already over anyway, so Coach can't get mad at me. I hear him call after me, but I ignore it.

I get in my car. Starting the ignition and immediately speeding off onto the street. I get home in record time, aware that I've most likely broken five traffic laws but I don't care. I park the car and rush into the house. I make a beeline for the bathroom and shut the door, locking it. I throw myself to the floor next to the toilet. I'm sobbing as I force a finger down my throat, trying to throw up. But it's no use, my stomach is empty from my earlier purging and I'm just dry heaving.

I'm desperate, though, frantic for something to relieve my pain. Anything. Then a thought dawns on me. I open up the drawers, searching for what I need. _C'mon, c'mon, c'mon._ Finally I feel it on my fingers. I grab it and pull it out of the drawer.

I take a deep breath and bring the razor blade down on the skin below my elbow. It stings and tears well to my eyes as does the blood from the slit in my arm. But it's a welcome reprieve from the pain I feel inside me. I make another cut, and another, and another. In the end there are seven, all on the inside of my elbow and all easy to cover up.

I bring the box of razors up to my room with me, though, just in case.

 **A/N: Sorry for any mistakes! Read and Review please, I'd love all of your input.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hey all you readers! I've got another chapter ready for you! Sorry it took me so long, been a little busy! My updating will be very irregular, though, so I hope you can be patient with me. I have finals coming up soon and then I'll be working during the summer so we'll see how it goes. This story moves very fast because I know that when I read stories, I like to just get to the good parts. That's just kind of how I write too.**

 **Katniss POV**

It's been three weeks. Three weeks since I started purging, started cutting and all I've done is prove myself right. No one cares about me.

Nobody has noticed the change in me. Not Joanna, not Annie, Finnick, Thresh, Gale, Peeta...no one cares. I feel tears drip down my cheeks at the thought. I don't know why I even hoped for something different. There was nothing to love about me. I was ugly and fat and stupid. A waste of space.

Glimmer was right. I stare down at my arms and admire the smooth skin of my forearms. I stopped cutting my arms after the first day because I realized just how easily they could be seen. Most of the cuts on my body were on the inside of my thighs and under the line of my panties on my hips.

"Katniss, dinner!" I hear my mother call from downstairs. My mother doesn't sense anything different about me either, but I expected that. She wouldn't really know that it was any different anyway with how rarely she's around.

I get up from my place on the bed and pull up my now sagging pants. My clothes have begun to be more baggy around my frame now because of how infrequently I'm eating. Good. At least I'm doing something right.

I wash my face in the bathroom quickly before running down the stairs and grabbing a plate. I barely glance at the dishes in front of me, just serving myself the smallest possible portions of each part of dinner then sitting at the table. I take tiny bites of my food. A couple grains of rice, a miniscule piece of chicken, a green bean.

I don't think I can really eat too much more at this point either. I have been eating so little recently that my stomach has shrunk and I'm never really hungry because of it. I just don't eat lunch anymore. I always eat a granola bar for breakfast because it starts up my metabolism, but eat very little for dinner.

A couple bites in, the door bursts open. In walks my brother, seemingly covered with sweat, probably from basketball. When I see who's behind him, my eyes light up for a minute before my expression drops. After Peeta, in walks Glimmer.

Dressed in an embarrassingly short skirt and low-cut top. I gag a little bit as I see her hanging all over Peeta. Touching his arms, his back his chest. My throat closes up a little bit.

"Hey Mom," Gale says, walking past me and ignoring me, "can Peet and Glim stay for dinner?" I don't wait to hear her response because I already know what it'll be. The bitch will be here all night. I get up and set my still half-full plate of food next to the sink, knowing that my mother would box it up later. She thinks that I take it for lunch the next day. And take it I do. I don't eat it, though. I drop it off to one of the many homeless people I pass on my way to school.

I wordlessly leave the kitchen, catching Glimmer's smug look as I pass by her. She smiles devilishly at me as she leans up to whisper in Peeta's ear. Unable to watch them interact anymore, I book it out of the kitchen and up to my room.

I shut the door and lock it. I can't take any chances of someone coming in. I enter my bathroom, closing that door as well. I throw myself to my knees and force my finger down my throat and force my dinner out of my stomach. I look into the toilet at the half-digested food that I had eaten only minutes ago.

I cover my mouth as a sob escapes me. I press my fist against my mouth as silent tears streak down my face. My shoulders shake violently in my crying fit. _I'm such a waste of space. I don't deserve to live. I don't matter. No one would even care._ And they wouldn't. If I die...no one will care. It'll hurt so much less, too.

 _Death_. It would take me away from here. From her. From my pain. _Well then there's really no other choice, is there?_

But when could I do it? After school perhaps, before practice. I could jump off the Panem bridge. It was high enough. I'd just be gone.

A small, mournful smile settles on my lips as I work out the logistics of my death. Maybe tomorrow...tomorrow I could be at peace.

I flush the toilet and exit the bathroom. I leave my bedroom door locked, though. I can hear the conversation and laughter from downstairs and a part of me mourns for the fact that I'll never be able to just have easy conversations with the people I love again. Even if they don't love me back.

I sit down at my desk and pull out some paper from a drawer. As much as I feel neglected by my friends, I want them to know how much I still love them. After I'm gone. I write a letter to everyone. I tell them how grateful I am for them, how much I love them, and what of my things they can have when I'm gone. Madge, Joanna, Annie, Gale, Thresh, Finn, Gale, my mother, Peeta.

By the time I'm done writing, it's 2am and Peeta and Glimmer have left, my mother and Gale asleep. I pull out an empty shoe box from under my bed and place each letter inside carefully. After closing the lid, I take a fat black sharpie and write the words: " _Katniss Sage Everdeen: to those whom I love"._

I then take the box and wrap it in a blanket, tucking it into the corner under my bed, where it can't be found until I want it to be. I get ready for bed before falling into the soft sheets. I lay on my back and stare out the window next to my headboard. I look out at the sky, the stars glimmering in the cloudless expanse of blue. It's so beautiful. _I'll be up there by tomorrow. In Heaven._

I allow myself a small, almost imperceptible smile, before drifting off into a dreamless sleep.

 **Peeta POV**

I walk through the halls of the school, through the bustling crowds of teenagers. I stop at my locker to grab my books before beginning my walk over to my usual meeting spot with Glimmer.

I sigh. Glimmer. I know that I'm, the one dating her, but I just don't know why I stay with her. Sure she's hot and all, but she's just so fake and stuck-up.

Okay, I lied. I do know why I'm still with her. It's because I can't have the real girl I've been in love with since we were kids. Katniss. I've loved her since we were in elementary school. But I could never have her. Not without losing my best friend, her big brother.

Speaking of Katniss. She's been...off these past couple weeks. Quiet. Withdrawn. I can see the way her clothes have gotten looser. Her collar bones sticking out more. I want to ask her, but every time she even sees me, she turns and books it in the other direction.

Lost in my thoughts about Katniss, I don't realize I am almost to the large tree that I usually find my girlfriend under. It's not until I hear the conversation that I stop myself.

" _...god, she's such an ugly little bitch." The unmistakable squeak of my girlfriend says. "I mean, have you seen the clothes she wears? And she thinks she's even worthy to touch Peeta the way she used to."_

 _Then, her best friend, Clove, speaks. "Ugh, I know, and have you seen her recently? She looks like shit, even worse than before. She has not tits and the way she's trying to make her fat ass thinner is only making it worse. Katniss Everdeen, the girl who can't look good no matter how hard she tries." I see red as I hear them laughing._

 _I'm about to reveal myself when Glimmer makes one last remark. "Why is she still even here? She should just take my advice and kill herself, save us all the torture of looking at her."_

I finally step out. Glimmer and Clove are still snickering when I walk up behind them. "Glimmer." I say in a low, angry voice. Both girls freeze and their conversation comes to a halt.

Glimmer quickly plasters a fake smile on her face and gets up. "Peety! I'm sooooo glad you're here, I was just-"

"Save your shit, Gina," I spit out using her real name, "I heard what you said. You're nothing but a cold, heartless bitch and I'm done." Her shocker face doesn't deter me. "You're fake and I've never liked you, but what you just said about one of my best friends. One of the most beautiful girls I know...it just make you evil."

With that I turn and walk away. The reality of what I've just learned hits me all at once. Glimmer has been bullying Katniss. But for how long? Guilt floods my body as I realize that every time I've brought Glimmer around, I've just been giving her the opportunity to torture Katniss even more.

And I never noticed. She must hate me so much right now.

Hearing the five minute warning bell, I make my way through the halls to my first period. In the hall, I pass by Katniss. She's wearing jeans and a three-quarter sleeve shirt. As I look, I can't help but notice how much more prominent her wrist bones are. How loose her jeans are on her hips. I think back to the the way Clove had called her fat before.

Was she starving herself? My heart clenches at the thought that she's been hurting her body. _And it's all my fault._ I don't even know why Glimmer and Clove are saying that. Katniss is in amazing shape and she's one of the most athletic girls at our school. She's beautiful.

I decide that I need to find her after school. I need to talk to her and apologize to her for not seeing it before. Has anyone seen it? _I need to talk to Gale._

I don't listen to anything in any classes, too consumed in my thoughts to give a damn about what we're learning. After the bell rings to signal lunch, I immediately grab my bag and rush out of the room.

I make a beeline for Gale's locker and I see him standing there with Finn and Thresh. They stand in a circle, talking about sports and other random shit, but I push my way into the center. "All of you, come with me now." They look at me like I've grown three heads, but I don't care. I begin walking out to the parking lot and I know that they're following behind me.

We arrive at my truck and I Iean against it. They all stop a couple feet in front of me. "Well?" Gale says. "What's going on?"

I let out a sigh and run my hand over my face. "Have any of you been paying attention to Katniss lately?"


End file.
